March 23rd, 2009 by Cy

My heart is breaking today and I type this through tear filled eyes. Today I carry a cyber friend, KDFrawg in my heart and thoughts. Today, KDFrawg had to put his sweet dog friend Tucker, to sleep.  Lately, KDFrawg has been sharing stories about Tucker, Tucker’s illness and Tucker’s influence in KDFrawg’s life. Tucker was a rescue dog that KDFrawg took in. Funny thing is, during the last few weeks, as we have read about Tucker and KDFrawg – we’ve all had our hearts touched. Tucker touched our hearts so deeply that I now believe it was not Tucker who was rescued at all, but in fact Tucker rescued each of us who was blessed to know/know of him. Tucker reminded us both with his life and love for KDFrawg, and with his death that living isn’t about our daily tasks, it’s about how much love we give. Yep, Tucker rescued us. 

Sleep Sweetly Tucker Dawg. 

Tucker

March 13th, 2009 by Cy

Well, unless something radical changes with my bad eye, this will probably be my last update on it, since nothing has really changed and it isn’t looking like it will either.  The actual corneal abrasions are in the process of healing, but no accuity of vision has returned to the eye. 

During the past however many days it’s been since I updated, I’ve stayed off my pc, stayed away from straining my eye, and kept my eye away from harmful light. 

The odd, near panic attack like moments I have had (Usually one a day) have now stopped.  I’m getting used to the lack of vision I guess. Or at least, I’m not getting that freaked out, “Make it stop”, scary sensation I was getting- so I consider that an improvement!!!!  :) 

I have to say, that I have struggled this past week – and I’m not sure why, except to say it’s bugged me that the vision hasn’t come back.  I’m not sad, or in self pity. Having poor vision in one eye is so UNMAJOR compared to so many other things people go through. So i don’t have this woe is me attitude. But I am almost mad I can’t MAKE my eye see properly again. 

I’ve been very, extremely introverted this week. I don’t think that’s good. Everything I’ve been having to go through, I’ve gone it alone. I have found that I don’t speak about what I am going through because I have this insane notion that I don’t want to be seen as a “whiner”. 

yeah see, even blogging that much of my thoughts now has me bugged. So I’ll sign off for now. 

Ciao

~_0 Why Not – Right?

March 7th, 2009 by Cy

Not much change to report really. Finally the eyeball is not hurting as awful as it was. It’s down to a dull, painful roar that I can tolerate – so for that, w00t. Vision wise – it’s not any better at all, which isn’t what EyeDocStud (he’s very studly looking) was hoping for. 

Reality is I scratched it very deep, past the point of simple abrasion. Most corneal abrasions heal within 24-48 hours. EyeDocStud says, if this is to heal – possibly 4-6 weeks will pass before i begin to regain acuity of vision??? He did tell me honestly, he wasn’t sure it would heal like a normal scratch would. Insert lots of eyeball medical language here which he then paraphrased as, “In your words Cylithria, it is definitely flupped.”   

I looked at him, thought a moment and then had my “Ahh Haa” moment. “Oh you mean fucked!” 

Why people just don’t use the word fuck, I’ll never know. 

Anyway so yesterday I saw numerous types of docs, Eye -ologists, Head – ologist, Regular-Ologists, and then also had special glasses – well lenses – made. 

my sunglasses now have the proper type of light protection my bad eye needs. Because of the black shadowish thing in the vision of the bad eye ( I scratched it diagonally across my pupil), my pupil dialates more in that eye. He explained that because the deep scratch is creating a shadowed or blind effect on the retina, it is causing the retina and eyeball to operate as if it is in a darker room then my other eyeball. 

Literally if you look at me, my left eye is dialated normally to whatever level light i am being exposed too but my right eye is OBVIOUSLY dialated far more then it’s left buddy. 

I look retarded LOLOLOL

So darker glasses with whatever special protectants are now in order.

I’m not to be on my computer for long. The lighting glare is not good. I’m to “rest” my eyeballs. Do nothing that strains them. I am on steroids, eye drops (many types) and Dark Glasses. 

My eye could heal, or I guess sometimes during the healing the cells keep slipping off the injured part and basically never heal.? If I explained that right. Basically what they have concluded is that with time, I might regain more accuity of vision. By using dark glasses versus eye patch I am retaining “Binocularity” (<—New word I learned) in my eyes, and helping to keep eye strain and light down.

I appreciated EyeDocStud’s honesty and his ability to tell me what might possibly happen healing wise, versus how it looks right now reality wise. I don’t like false hopes, and I also don’t like all gloom and doom news either. I appreciated him getting with my Lupus doctors in order to see how Lupus might affect my eye. (Fucking lupus tries to ruin everything LOL) 

So in the end, I know my pain will go away sooner then later. I know that because I have had binocularity in my eyes for 40 years, and because my eye is not completely blind, i should retain it despite lack of vision in my bad eye. I know the lupus which slows healing of everything, is going to have an effect on healing of my eye – to what extent, we shall find out. I know that everything is being done that can be, and I know that some options open to normal folk are not open to me due to my lupus. I know it’s a wait and see, literally.

Now I just follow doctor’s orders and learn to live with the absent section of my site. I have one good eye, and yes, truthfully it is freaking me that my vision is gone on the right side… but i WILL learn to move past that. So it’s just an adjustment – nothing more, nothing less. 

Besides, now I can keep my dark glasses on all the time. Mwahahahahaha
Why Not – Right?

March 6th, 2009 by Cy

I was cutting a bush. a holly bush to be precise. I had glasses on. at some point the wind blew one of the tiny (smaller than my pinky finger) sized branches so it landed on my head. One or two holly leaves slid between my glasses and my right eye.

That leaf was the last thing I saw clearly in my right eye. 

at first, my eye watered, weeped like a motherfo and I allowed it. I know how to treat eye stuff , emergency medically wise. Do not rub it, allow it to weep, wash it out deeply with water. I did all that. Then I sat for another 20 minutes, blinking my eye, waiting for the blurry, can’t distinguish ANY shape blur to go away. 

It didn’t. 

I sat in shock. The little leaf barely touched my eye, or so I thought. “Come on you bastard eye, work!” I actually said allowed. It didn’t. My phone rang. I dug it out of my pocket and realized, I knew it was in my hand, but I could NOT see it if I closed my left(Good) eye.  I shoved the phone into my pocket, closed my right eye tightly, got into DC’s car and drove straight to Baptist Memorial Hospital on Walnut Grove rd. 

I parked, walked past construction, was almost hit by car passing me on my right – because i never saw it, and went in thru the ER doors. 

“May I help you?” a very busy woman behind protective glass asked before holding up a wait a minute finger and answering a ringing phone. 

I blinked. I opened my right eye. Instantly my vision obscured. I closed my right eye. i didn’t wait. “I can’t see. My right eye is fucked.” 

The woman who was mega, uber busy stopped what she was doing. she hung up the phone without telling the caller anything and she turned her chair and ran for someone. The whirlwind started from there.

First they fast tracked me. A kind nurse explained most vision problems cleared with eye wash. The P.A. and staff worked quickly to completely flush my eye. They sat me up, had me close both eyes, then had me open the right one. 

“I can’t see” I said nervously. “I see colors, although their really – well like too much light is on them, washed out. I see darks and lights, but I can’t SEEE anything. there’s a jagged, lightning bolt shaped, black void of no sight, right here” I say as I try to show them by moving my finger nail across the right eye area to indicate where in my line of vision it is. “And a black dot, right here, above it”

The PA and nurse looked at me. “Her pupil is dialated. Let’s get her to the ER”

They didn’t take me to ER, they brought ER to me. More tests, more stuff in my eye. a stick of some sort resembling a diabetes test strip was inserted and then black light used. Special docs, eye docs called in, then they called the Best eye surgeon in area. He was in an OR at another hospital, repairing some man’s eye orbit, but he phone consulted. 

“Get her to my office right away. I’m closing here, I’ll be right there.”

The whole time I am closing my right eye, waiting for a few minutes, and opening it – expecting to see again. I don’t.

To eye surgeon’s place i am taken. he come’s in, more stuff put into eye, more tests, the whole time i keep exclaiming in shock, “I didn’t know your actual eyeball could hurt! my fucking eye HURTS”  people assure me that YES your actual eyeball can hurt. 

Test’s reveal My eye is not leaking fluid. This is good. 

It also reveals I have a corneal abrasion – well two of them. One is a dot, like the tip of the holly leaf poked my eye, the other is a perfect resemblence to the dark, void of sight, shaped like lightning bolt in my eye.  Their deep. Deep enough that Doc said if I don’t have my site starting to get back to normal by morning, I may not have regular site anymore. 

I have meds that go into my eye, every 4 hours. 

Typing this is a bitch because I have black eye patch on and my left eye is already exhausted from doing all the work. I woke up, saw eye doc again. Zero improvment. 

Right now, we wait he said. Perhaps it will clear up. I won’t lose the eye, it isn’t losing fluid. I might not see from my right eye again.  Of course I could see again even if my eye doesn’t heal – IF and this is a big, huge IF, IF I recieve a cornea transplant. 

Are you SHITTIN ME?

I just have one question of the universe:

WHAT.THE.FUCK!

So yeah, d00d’s, seriously. I’m fucking blind in my right eye. 

I’d cry, but as I started to cry last night when they told me my prognosis, if I cry, my good eye fills with tears and I am completely blind. 

Just call me Cyl-Clops now. 

motherfukingcocksuckingpimpinasswhorecuntbitchen hell.   0_~   <—– that’s me. Not.good.

blind