November 11th, 2009 by Cy

a couple of years ago,  my biological mother and I were introduced via video conference.  I wish I could say it was a great. It wasn’t great and it wasn’t bad…. it just sort of was.  I got to hear her “story” if you will and I watched a woman who looked like me – no…. wrong, whom *I* looked like. It was………. interesting. Nice perhaps. It was simply…. an aspect of my convoluted life.

After that initial connection between my bio-mom and I, I never heard from her again. At one point the rumor mill told me she had died.  Again, the news wasn’t bad or good, it just was.

But for some reason, somewhere in the back of my mind I felt a need to confirm this woman’s death. I started investigating and voila….. Marlianna was NOT DEAD….. I located this woman, this biological mother I never knew in a run down facility – in a coma. Lupus had shut down her body to the point of coma and she was alone. No one to care for her…..

How ironic eh?

That was the year I shifted my everything financially. I felt I had to. I could not allow Marlianna to lie in filth, in poor care simply because that was all the state could afford.

I did so willingly and not because I felt an emotional pull towards the woman. I did it because it was the RIGHT thing to do. NO ONE should have to suffer simply because there is no one to care for them when they are ill and unable to care for themselves.

So in answer to the mysterious question, “But Cylithria if you retired where is your pay?”   – It’s been dedicated to a woman’s care, to keeping up with her estate bills and to use for her best interests.  That’s where. Judge at will.

Friday, Nov 6th I get the call – they have put Marlianna on breathing tube. She apparently got some infection…. it’s reeking havoc on her stagnant system. I sigh, and just accept that which we knew would come one day.

Saturday, Nov 7th – I get the call. Marlianna died.  My immediate reaction is an odd, empty sigh. Then silence. At first I told no one….. There was a lot going on and I’ll be damned if my personal shit was gonna add to any ill sensations at @NAMG’s home.  All these people, including me; came to enjoy each other and the weekend, announcing your bio-mom just died doesn’t bring about happy, happy joy, joy, in my opinion.

It was late Saturday Night… and inwardly I struggled with how to process Marlianna’s death. I knew the situation of her estate and that my retirement will be tied up for about 4 years to pay off everything. I am okay with that. Totally.   I also knew I was being a bit distant if given the opportunity to have a moment alone.

I needed time to process. I needed to know if I was sad, relieved, or …. what????? I mean this woman gave birth to me and GAVE ME UP so I could have a chance at a better life. I admired that, and yet…… I didn’t honestly know her. How was I to feel??? I just didn’t know.

Enter @TheWocket

Standing out in the “smoking section” of @NAMG’s house (The front porch) I am balancing on the bottom board of the porch rail, staring at the starry sky. @TheWocket comes outside and stand beside me. We chat sort of. Basically a “hey” exchange.

Then I look up at him and blurt it out. “My mother died.”

….

You know there were umpteen ways @TheWocket could have handled the situation. With the already high emotional energy in the house that night due to the chick fight, to say nerves were raw was an understatement. @TheWocket could have gasped, expressed deep, deep sadness and shock…. tried to coddle me thus allowing me to break down……. he could have simply stared at me unable to say a word. He didn’t do those things. Instead an arm went around me, a gentle, non-pressuring hug wrapped around me and he said “I’m sorry angel.”

No drama, no avoidance, no unrealistic reaction…. just quite acceptance and gentle support. For the first time ever, I felt accepted because @TheWocket didn’t have any expectations of me or for me, he was just there understanding me. I am a very lucky woman.

That’s @TheWocket and my mother, Marlianna.

The nice thing is with @TheWocket on the porch with me, the three minutes of tears and then the wash of relief and peace hit me quick enough. He truly is my best friend – above all others.

Thank you @TheWocket for being there for me.

So yeah…. that is the latest update on people in my life..or recently departed from me.

—–

Update on my health:

I made it to Kansas easily enough. I slept almost the entire trip. I spent the weekend carefully participating and also trying to rest and begin recover. The weekend was filled with laughter and I only had one time i needed the high power pain pill to get past the kidney pain.

Sunday all the company left and it was just myself and @NAMG, @JSTUD and @AID …..  by Monday I started truly feeling the weariness of the last few months. Since then I have been alternating between awake moments and unwanted but much needed restful naps.

I managed last night to eat a full bowl of dinner. Which as @NAMG can attest to, is a massive accomplishment. My ability to consume food has been compromised. but I am working on it.

I am weak. but the last two dys I have rested My brain should start coming back to me anytime now, which will be nice. I have been quiet online because thinking has been too damn hard. Sorry folks.

I managed to get my NaNoWriMo word count up to 21,163 so that is good i think. The story sucks and I am starting a new one tomorrow. But I am still writing.

Doc will be calling soon as Pancreas tests come back. The weight is … well slowly falling off instead of rapid weight loss, so right now……. I live hour by hour.

I’d love to be able to say I am getting better – but I can’t, not yet. Am I working on not stressing so I can go into Lupus Remission? Am Iworking towards a healthier body to fight off cancer, YES.   Am I better yet………… hell to the noes. So giving an update to me is pointless……… right now nothing has changed except my current physical location and my outlook. My health still blows bad.

But I am still alive. I am supporting friends through their losses as best I know how, which admittedly isn’t good enough but all I can offer. and I am learning how to accept help, truly rest and allow others to do for me.

Life is still filled with beauty and wonder for me.

That’s my explanation(s)

w00t

Death, TheWocket, Why Not - Right?